My Dad

My daddy passed away 15 days ago. It is hard to type that. I can't really wrap my head around it yet. My daddy passed away. I will never hear him say my name again. I will never tell him how much my boys and I love him again. I will never get to see him light up when he sees my boys again. My daddy is gone.

I have my moments. Moments when I completly loose it. Like when I call my parents house and expect him to pick up the phone. When I go to call him and tell him about something the boys did. When I go to my parents house and expect him to be sitting in his chair. I havn't been sleeping well. I will pass out sometimes from pure exaustion, but most of the time I am restless. I can't believe that he is gone.

My son's birthday is this upcoming week and I am not looking forward to it. I want him there. I want him to sing "Happy Birthday." I want him to sign his card. I want him to be there. I can hardly bear the thought he won't be there at any major or minor event again. I can't believe that his last celebration was my other's son's first birthday. It's not fair!!

Making it worse is the fact that my husband's uncle is in the hospital. He is really bad. He was fine, just like my dad, now he is in the ICU. I went to see him yesterday and I could hardly hold it together. Seeing him there, like that, it is just too much like my daddy. To see his daughters, his sons, and his wife going to go though the same thing as I am.

I cry for him, I cry for my dad, and I cry for us... the ones that will miss them so much. The ones whos hearts are broken. The ones that just can't understand what happened.

THE appointment

So, I took Alex to his ortho last Tuesday. HE IS GOING DOWN TO 18 HOURS A DAY IN HIS BRACE! Can you tell I am excited? I'm excited not because I don't like the brace or I am embarrassed. Rather, I am excited because he might actually get to do some tummy time and I will feel a little more comfortable leaving him with someone else. I am not looking forward to a cranky baby who doesn't want it on after having it off for a couple hours, but one must take the good with the bad.
These are a couple pics from my phone. These two are of Alex after the appointment when I told him that he only had to wear the brace for 18 hours. I think he understood what I was saying.






This is what James thought we should do with the brace. He was looking for a garbage can.
When I said "NO!" he responded like this. He told me that he wasn't touching the brace. He is so darn cute.

He has a club foot, not three heads....

If you ever run into someone who has a disability, a deformity, an injury, or something else wrong with them, as an adult you are suppose to ignore it. Well you are suppose to, but unless you honestly don't notice for at least a split second you may think about it. What happened? Right? We tell our kids not to stare. We explain to them that some people are different. Then we move on with our lives.

Since Alex has been born, I have run into a lot of people who on the surface appear to be adults, but obviously are not. First, let's explain what a club foot is. It is a foot that is abnormally turned inward. It can affect one or both of the feet. This is what his foot looked like before the first cast.

There are different methods of fixing a club foot (or club feet) and we choose to do the "Ponseti Method" of casting every week until the foot is in a normal position then wearing a brace.

Alex was two weeks old when he got his first cast. Now unless you have a child or know a child with a club foot, you would probably think it is just on his foot. Oh no. It is a cast that goes from his toes to his groin.

I thought that we would get some looks. I mean, I thought that I would get some looks with a new born with a big cast on his leg. I was not prepared for James getting looks. Why would they be looking at him? Well, I found out what at least one woman was thinking when we took at trip to Babies R Us. She looked at Alex. Then she looked at James and told him he should be careful with the baby. WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY!!! OMG!!!! I wanted to slap her. I "calmly" told her that James was a fantastic big brother and that in fact Alex was born with a club foot. The cast was how they fixed it. I walked away as quickly as possible to stop myself from loosing it.

Alex just needed four casts over four weeks and then his foot looked relatively normal. He does have extra skin on the outside of his right ankle (his club foot). Other than that, you can't really notice much of a difference.

He then started to wear his brace. I don't have a good picture yet of him wearing it (he is always kicking it around and let's face it, he is so cute why would I want a picture of a brace). Here is a link to a good picture of what it looks like.

http://www.c-prodirect.co.uk/ponseti_afo_brace.html

He wears it (right now) for 23 hours a day. I am a crazy person trying to make sure that it is not off for any longer than an hour because it may cause the foot to return to the club position and we would have to start all over again.

I made the mistake of thinking that because it is obviously a medical thing and not abuse, that people would be "kinder" or "more understanding" when they saw him in the brace. Alas, no. I will tell you of a typical incident I recently had at Chuck E. Cheese with Alex. I go into the bathroom to change him. I have him in the stroller with a blanket over him (it was cold in there). A woman walks in with what appears to be a preschool aged girl. She stands outside of the stall waiting and looks at Alex. She makes the usual small talk (how old, he's big, so cute, etc.). As I pull him out of the stroller, her daughter emerges from the stall and proceeds to the sink to wash her hands. We get the woman's attention as Alex starts banging his brace on the changing table. She stares. VERY OBVIOUSLY! Her eyes just about popped out of her head. She walks her daughter over for paper towels and the little girl then notices Alex. Not his brace at first, but a baby being changed. The mom then says in a not so hushed tone "don't stare". Of course she stares. Her mom is staring. The little girl then says "what is that on his feet". A good question. One that mom should ask... She says rather harshly to the girl, "That's not nice. I told you not to stare. Come on...." He doesn't have three heads lady! He has a brace. A cute brace I may add. If you are curious just ask. Don't stare and then expect a child not to.

All right. I am done. I will save more of my frustration for another post.

Til then...

As promised...

I am now ready to actually talk about my baby turning three. We always try to make it as special as possible. He woke up to two posters that I made that said "Happy 3rd Birthday James" with picture of the Mickey Mouse club house gang.

This year I asked him what he would like to do. He said he wanted to go to Boston Market for lunch and to the Oak Lawn Children's museum with Eddie and Katie (his cousins). So, I called their moms and set our plan in motion.

Katie got dropped off and we headed to Boston Market for lunch. He always gets the same thing. Mac and cheese, mashed potatoes, corn bread and LOTS of gravy.

Then we headed to the children's museum where we met Eddie and four other cousins. He had a blast. So did I. Seeing him so happy. Seeing him overnight become a big kid. OK maybe not a big kid. But a kid. Not a toddler, not a baby. A kid. OMG!!!

We finished off the day with a small family party with Grandma, Papoo (my parents), Uncle George, Aunt Cheryl (my brother and my sister in law), Papa and Gigi (my in-laws). We had pizza (or pitzia as James says it) and chocolate cake. I decorated it myself with all the Mickey Mouse characters. Pretty, huh? We finished off the day with a bath and a Scooby Doo movie (that we got him, well I got it and daddy signed the card). All in all a good day. Next time I will tell you about his birthday party. His first all kid party.

Til Then...

My "baby" is three!

I am almost ashamed to admit it. I am sad that James is three. It seems that as I go though those baby things with Alex, that I was doing them with James a heartbeat ago. I am so proud of the boy he has become. His loving heart. His gentle spirit. His imagination. His creativity. I love every part of who and what he is...
I feel that those days of him wanting to spend time with me are running short. He is more and more willing to do things without me. He doesn't need me to watch every little thing he does anymore (which I do admit is a blessing with a 3 month old).
I miss that time that we had before Alex arrived when it was just the two of us. When we could do anything at any time of the day. When we would wake up and just talk in bed for a while in the morning after Daddy left for work. I miss the hours we would spend just talking about anything and everything and going out and exploring the world together. Doing a park tour one day and doing art another. And I am sad that he has transitioned to our new reality, where he must now share my attention, a little to easily.
He is three now. He will be starting school soon. I am equally as afraid that he is not going to like going to school as I am afraid that he will love it. I hope that he can separate from me happily and easily, but I also want him to not want me to go. I am afraid that the amount of tears shed will be mostly mine.
For the better part of the past three years, he has been my world. My heart. My everything. Now we are both learning how to love another. My heart breaks every time that I must stop playing with him to take care of his brother. My heart also breaks for him every time I fall deeper in love with Alex. I want to have my cake and eat it too. I want to have two boys to be in my heart, but I want both of them to feel like they are the only ones. I hope that James will forever feel my love the same way he felt it before Alex was born and that Alex will feel that love too. I guess that all I can do is pray that I will be able to give them all that they need and that they always know that I am there for them.

Summer is here!

Finally, after waiting for what seemed like forever, summer seems to have started. On Friday, we finally started having more than one nice day in a row. Today, James played in the back yard in the sprinkler for about an hour. Then he jumped in and out of the pool. Then he "watered" a plant in the back yard. I use quotes because he didn't use water. Yes oh yes, he was being a boy and used he body fluids. I was so glad because he has not used the potty in quite a while (pretty much once Alex's crib went up). He then was happy to put on underwear (which he hasn't worn in the same amount of time). Maybe we have turned the corner again on potty training. Only time will tell.

My sweet baby James is almost three and is going through a bit of a hard time with adjusting to the baby. He is by far not that bad. He loves his baby, but there are times that he gets a bit jealous. He doesn't like it when someone he loves (grandparents, aunt, uncles, cousins) give Alex the attention that James not too long ago fought against. He hated to be held for more than a second. Cuddling was an event only before bed. And anything baby-like (feeding him, picking out clothes for him, wiping him up after a messy meal, etc) was totally out of the question. Now, he is showing that he is not enjoying the attention and care that his brother now receives. We went to my parents house for lunch today and James made my mom feed him. He then cuddled with her on the couch for at least 30 minutes. My mom pulled out a picture book that I had made of James of his first 4 months. He loved looking at himself in the pictures and he especially loved to hear how much we thought he was the cutest baby. He pointed out people in the pictures and wanted to hear how much we all fell in love with him, how much we loved to hold him and kiss him. He left my parents house a little happier than when he came in and that made me so happy.

On to Alex. He is doing really well. He is in the 50th percentile for his weight and the 94th percentile for his height. I have another tall skinny baby on my hands (although he has the cutest little Buddha belly). His orthopedic surgeon doesn't think he will need surgery on his foot (thank God) and he will get his (hopefully) last cast on tomorrow. He will also be measured for his brace and shoes during the appointment. I am so excited that he will have most of the summer without a cast on his little leg. I'm sure it is hot and uncomfortable, although you couldn't tell from how he acts. I also can't wait to be able to give him a real bath. We had to give him sponge baths before he got the cast (his belly button wasn't healed yet) and we have had to continue the sponge baths because of the cast. He is such a sweaty baby, I just can't wait to put him into a nice bath and wash him from head to toe.

Alex is one month old!!!

I can't believe that my little baby is already one month old. It seems that the last 4 weeks have flown by. A lot has happened in such a short time.

First, Alex has started the correction for his club foot. He has had 2 casts already. We should find out tomorrow how many more he needs and if he might need surgery. He is doing really well with the casts so far. He sometimes uses the cast as a weapon against James when he is kissing and hugging him too much. We have only had one diaper explosion and luckily it didn't get into the cast. We also have Alex's one month well child visit tomorrow. I am looking forward to seeing how much he weighs. He is becoming a little chunky monkey.

Second, I ended up getting pneumonia when Alex was 8 days old and spent 4 days in the hospital without seeing both of the boys. It was the longest time of my life and I hope that nothing ever happens like that again. They tested me for swine flu and for about 24 hours everyone who entered my room had to wear a mask, gown and gloves. It made me feel very important. Luckily, the test came back negative and I am now feeling well.

James is getting used to his new position as older brother. He still wants to do everything (feed Alex, change him, hold him, etc.) but he is figuring out that there are things that he just can't do himself. He enjoying the parts of childcare that we will allow him to do, such as holding him (with supervision), throwing away diapers and washing the binkie. I am so proud the the little man that he is.

Until later.... (which of course means when the boys are both asleep for more than 5 min)